A blog comment I recently read mentioned dysconscious racism. Dysconscious racism is a distorted understanding about inequity and cultural diversity. I had never heard the term. So, naturally, I felt rising pangs of guilt and frustration at not knowing that there are names for the variant degrees of racism because I’m black and should know these things. You can breathe a sigh of relief- This blog post is not about racism. It’s about learning and my quest to know everything.
I (luckily) can’t afford to go back to school so I’ve been forced to become an autodidact and allow my self-taught methods to put my brain on severe overdrive. With new insight also comes sadness for me about all the things I did not know, producing a mix of satisfying knowledge and unsatisfying resolution. I regret spending the early aughts of 2000 begging for love and the rest of that decade hating myself for being unlovable. I wasted a lot of time on “unimportances”. I chose not to think. It was complete mental indolence. While I’m happy now and I’ve completely changed things around this past year by transitioning careers and having only positive relationships, I can’t help but have regrets for all the time wasted on inexorable depression. I’m reading a lot about entrepreneurship and the updated crowdfunding bill (HR2930) and trying to think of a business plan that could help people with depression. I don’t have any good ideas and that frustrates me even more, especially as I sit here watching celebrities pitch clever ideas on “The Celebrity Apprentice”, where I’m actually learning a lot about marketing from a former Playmate.
I’ll swindle smarts from everything from a seducer to a survey. The source is irrelevant, I just want to learn.
* I don’t think Aubrey O’Day is a seducer. I just like alliteration. She seems so lovely and intelligent.